


The Promotion

by Chianine



Category: The Room (2003)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-06
Updated: 2015-01-06
Packaged: 2018-03-06 09:15:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3129194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chianine/pseuds/Chianine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucifer lie, he didn't keep his promise and Johnny doesn't care anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Promotion

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Aja](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aja/gifts).



> I have had such a blast reading all this The Room fic that I decided to contribute. I probably don't have to say this, but yes it is meant to be an absurd mess.

Johnny smiled at his best friend. “Are you doing Bay-to-Breakers this year?”

Mark jumped and almost choked on his mouth-full of toothpaste. Johnny's appearances were always jarring but when he showed up naked and dripping with blood it really bummed him out. He was standing there behind him, reflected in the bathroom mirror with a football in his hand.

“Haha. Maybe you are chicken like Peter. Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep...”

“AAAAHHHHHHHH!” Mark began punching himself in the face. He had already learned that only unconsciousness made it stop.

“Okay, Mark. I can see you are cranky a little. You are not morning person I guess. Bahy!” 

Johnny dematerialized.

 

_Being poltergeist is all right. At least Father of Darkness give him promotion like he promise. At first it was hard a little bit but then he get better. It only take him three months as regular ghost before Lisa start taking anti-psychotic medicine so his Father know he is working very hard. Maybe soon he will be High Demon and then he can move to a bigger place._

 

Johnny materialized in Lisa's room at the asylum. “Hai babe!” he exclaimed, but something was wrong – she wasn't there. He glanced around himself, at the neatly made bed and the framed pictures of saints she still thought would work against him. “You must be kidding, right?” he had told her when he first saw them and then asked if she wanted to order a pizza. He reminded her to make sure his side was light on the cheese.

He threw the bouquet of roses on the bed and sighed. It had taken days to convince Beelzebub to enchant them with his special LSD overdose magic and know he wasn't going to get to see her enjoy them. Where was she? She had been declared legally insane a year ago and he worked very hard to make sure she still talked to herself at least eight hours a day. She should be here until her untimely death.

Oh, well, he thought, and then decided to see what Peter was doing. He was playing psychologist again. Johnny appeared to him as a giant corpse turning itself inside out over and over again and Peter began screaming because he is a chicken. 

“You doing Bay-to-Breakers this year?” he asked, because that had worked so well with Mark.

Peter peed on himself and ran to the bathroom.

Johnny frowned and decided he should probably check in with Denny. Elizabeth had just divorced him for Chris R. and he had been depressed lately.

“Hai Denny!”

Denny's face lit up as brightly as it always did when Johnny materialized in his room. “Hey, Johnny!”

“How are things with you?”

“All right, I guess. I miss Elizabeth, though.”

“Well, maybe when you get your promotion you can buy her back from Chris R.”

“Yeah, actually that reminds me...”

“Shoot, Denny.”

Denny scrunched his brow, unsure. “I was wondering if you could kill my boss for me. And maybe Chris R. And also the landlady. And also there's this guy at the gym that always -”

“Denny, Denny, Denny...” Johnny tutted. “You know I am only poltergeist. I cannot do these things for you. Maybe when I get my promotion and I can control material object, then we talk about killing your enemies.”

A glow came over Denny's face. He knew he could count on Johnny. He was like a father to him.

“Okay, Johnny.”

 

Lisa was still not in her room, so Johnny went to see if Mark had recovered consciousness yet. Strangely enough, Mark was away from his apartment.

“This is so strange,” Johnny thought, then decided to drop in on Michelle. She was licking mayonnaise off of Mike's chest. 

“Oh hey, everybody,” Johnny said, because there was also a pet snake in the room.

Mike screamed and ran out of the house, naked except for the coat of mayonnaise. He left his underwears behind. 

“Haha,” Johnny said, turning to Michelle. “I like what you done with the place!” Johnny looked around at his old apartment. He had been released from his location-based bondage for more than eight months now. That was one of the best parts of his last promotion. When Lisa had been forced to leave because he kept paralyzing her in her sleep and making her believe she was being abducted by aliens, Mike and Michelle had taken over the place. As a sort of tradition, he still appeared in the apartment as a space monster. He modeled his look after _Independence Day_ because he was American.

“You keep my favorite picture!” Johnny walked over and used his three-fingered alien hands to pick it up. “I remember when I buy this for Lisa. It was when we first move here, and because Lisa eat food sometime, I decide to buy her something so that she can think about food when she sits in the -”

Johnny heard a thud behind him. When he turned around, Michelle was laying on the floor, unconscious.

“Haha!” he said, satisfied. “I guess my work is done here!”

After another check of both Mark's apartment and Lisa's room, Johnny was beginning to get worried. If he couldn't continue tormenting their souls, the Father of Lies might not give him his promotion, and then he wouldn't be able to destroy Denny's enemies. “I don't want to talk about it,” he said to his own immortal consciousness, and decided to visit Steven to get his mind off the problem.

Steven was in his kitchen masturbating.

“Oh hai, Steven! How is your sex life?” 

Steven shit his pants and dropped dead. Johnny didn't feel bad, though, because he didn't see a chasm in the earth open and swallow his eternal soul, so it meant that Steven had gone to a better place. 

“I guess that means you're not doing Bay-to-Breakers this year. Haha.”

It was really time to figure out where Mark and Lisa were, but he needed to do something to boost his confidence first so he decided to see if he could find Claudette and scare her to death, too. He tried to transport his spirit to her but the universe wasn't answering his request. Something was wrong.

“Oh, hai Mephistopheles!” he said when the troll suddenly appeared to him. “How is your -”

But Mephistopheles was cranky. He put his hand up to silence Johnny. “Don't.”

“Okay, Evil Demon of the Abyss, what do you have to tell me?”

Mephistopheles stared at him blankly and replied, “You're looking for Claudette, right?”

“Yes. I want to drive her to death or insanity, to please our Dread Lord.”

Mephistopheles gestured over Johnny's shoulder, where Claudette stood, arms crossed over her chest. 

“You useless son of a bitch,” she greeted.

“Oh hai, Claudette,” Johnny replied. “You are bitch, too. By the way, how did you get here to Steven's apartment?”

She rolled her eyes.

“She's _dead_ you moron.” Mephistopheles was shaking his head. He was really cranky.

“Oh,” Johnny said, then it all made sense. “the breast cancer – I'm always forget about that. And that is why Lisa is release from hospital and Mark is not at home. Your funeral. Okay.”

“She's shadowing with you,” Mephistopheles continued. “You two have a week to drive Mark and Lisa to murder and or suicide. Otherwise, the Prince of Darkness is going to pass your promotion on to someone more effectual.”

“What? But it is not fair. Satan already puts my ideas into practice. He is using me, and I am the fool.”

Mephistopheles cocked his head at Johnny while Claudette began massaging her temple. 

“Okay, you heard what I said, right?” the familiar asked her. “I really can't deal with this shit any more so it's up to you to get through to him. I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have been such a bitch in life.” He dematerialized before she could argue.

“Okay, Claudette. Let's get to work, hah? We sentence your daughter soul to eternal damnation and then we can throw the ball around!” Johnny was cracking himself up. “Just kidding! You are woman you can't play football!”

 

 

 

It had been nine hundred years and thirty-two days inside The Room. Or at least they thought it had been. No one really knew. No one could remember anything before it.

“Did you get your promotion?” Lisa asked. “You didn't get it, did you?”

Peter usually started crying when she asked this, but for the last ten years or so he hadn't moved. Everyone was starting to get jealous that he may have overcome immortality.

“The son of a bitch said I would get it within three months! I get him hundreds of souls and he is using me and I am the fool. Lucifer lied, he didn't keep his promise and I don't care any more.”

Mark was cranky. “You stupid fuck! Of course he lied - he's the Father of Lies! Don't you get it? He's the most famous traitor ever!”

“Do you understand life, Mark? Do you? I'm trying to help Denny murder his enemies. I'm like a father to him.”

“Denny's been dead for eight hundred and seventy years! All of his enemies are here in The Room! He fused his identity with the spiral staircase so Chris R. would stop asking for his fucking money!”

“Oh, hai Denny!”

Mark lit a fire in the middle of The Room and jumped in. This usually afforded him about five minutes of oblivion before his soul was brought back. Then he went back to doing what he had been working on for about five hundred years – trying to find a way to get into Judecca. When Michelle had convinced Baal that she was a heresiarch she had gotten out and now Mark was hoping for something else, too. Anything but The Room.

Claudette coughed and everyone looked over. Everyone had forgotten she was there since she had been hanging from the ceiling like a bat for the last fifty years. Mike was there, too, but he was just a pile of gore on the floor because Chris R. had been beating him for decades to keep him from talking. 

Johnny back into the couch. “Who's doing Bay-to-Breakers this year?”

Mark began screaming and did not stop for about three years, when a cenobyte dropped by to tell him that enough was enough.


End file.
